Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Randomize
