I'm so fucking centered right now
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
its liver damage thursday
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize