I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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