and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
