great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize