Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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