chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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