When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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