Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My feet surprised me
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
