I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
sarcasm needs its own font
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
