She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
