The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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