im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
