im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize