I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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