just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
