I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
