just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
