community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
