the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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