if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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