I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize
