That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
