The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Randomize
