my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
