just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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