i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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