I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
