Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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