I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
