First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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