you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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