just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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