I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
