I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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