Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
