I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
