having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
