He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
