When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
