the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
