i jhust puked up my retainher.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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