Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
