I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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