She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
