i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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