the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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