I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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