party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
