At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
