who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
