I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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