Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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