dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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