Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
