So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
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