I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
